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Best Concert Ever?

Two technicians were working at a broadcast station. One had been working there for just a few years, while the other had been working there for over a decade. During a project to digitize archive video tapes, the veteran technician began to describe an amazing concert that the studio had reported on soon after he had started working there. As a musician himself, this technician had been to many, many concerts, and this had been, perhaps, the best one ever.

So the junior technician began a quest to find the archive video that would've included the news story about that concert. After some searching, he found it.

The most memorable part of the video was the very beginning. The story began by showing a completely abandoned area, and describing how the day looked completely ordinary in every way. As the story progressed, much of the focus was on interviewing one of the lesser known band members. There were maybe a few total seconds of actual concert footage, providing a glimpse of a popular song or two, but not in any way showing the size of the crowd, reactions from the crowd, or anything else that might indicate that the concert was even good, let alone the "best ever."

So if the eyewitness is to be believed, and if this was, in fact, an amazing concert, then perhaps we also could have called this article, "Worst News Story Ever."

Too Much Power

Let me begin by apologizing for not having a photo of the actual king crab legs referred to in this story. These are king crab legs, yes, but not THE king crab legs.

I would next like to mention that I don't eat crab. I can tolerate the taste in small amounts, but I'm not particularly fond of it. Furthermore, I don't like to put in the amount of effort required to, let's say, crack open a crab leg in exchange for the limited amount of meat that I get in return for that effort.

And that's what led to this story. I went with a few friends to a seafood restaurant and someone ordered a big plate of king crab legs. It looked much like this photo, except that the king crab legs were completely covered with a red sauce. And when I say completely covered, I mean completely covered.

One of my friends was struggling to crack open a particularly large king crab leg. I was asked to give it a try.

As my friend handed my the king crab leg and the tool, whatever it is called, she uttered a fateful word, "power."

Again, I don't eat crab legs. All I had to work with was a failed attempt by someone else and the word "power."

So I put the king crab leg into the tool, whatever it is called, and I squeezed.

The shell exploded all over the table, crossed the table, passed my friends on the other side of the table, and reached the wall behind them. Fortunately, no one got hurt by shell fragments. But, because of the generous coating of red sauce, the trail of destruction was highly evident.

There was red sauce on the wall. There was red sauce on clothing. And there was red sauce on faces.

It turns out I used a little too much power.

"Look! It's you!"

Before there was group Internet video calling, there was satellite television and landline speakerphones. In order to augment curricula while also saving money on teachers' salaries, high schools around the United States began having classes in which there were no actual teachers present. Instead, via satellite, one university professor would appear simultaneously in multiple classrooms. Students would watch the muted television, interact via speakerphone, and be monitored by local, salaried facilitators.

One day, while waiting for one of these virtual classes to start, I was just minding my own business. I recall looking down at my book or notebook or something, when I heard one of my fellow students exclaim, "look! It's you!" She also used my name, which is the part that got my attention.

I looked up, and I was shocked at what I saw: me!

While we were waiting for our professor, we were watching her university's student-created broadcast. If it weren't for the fact that I had never been to that university's State before, let alone to that actual university, plus I had never met the person standing next to "me" nor participated in the interview "I" was doing, I would've thought that was me.

I'm not saying that this guy simply looked remarkably like me; I'm saying that location-withheld video would've fooled my parents. That was definitely me, except for the fact that it wasn't.

If you've never seen your doppelganger, calling it surreal is an understatement.

Best Actress

And the award goes to... Keira Knightley!

(spoiler alert for the movie Begin Again)

We were watching the movie Begin Again, and in one scene Adam Levine's musician character had just returned from a trip that included recording a new love song. He began to play it for his girlfriend, Keira Knightley's character.

As we listened along with the characters, I was struck by the emotion in Keira's face. Without her character saying a word, and conveyed through her facial expression alone, I said out loud that there was no way that the song was her.

A mere moment later... slap! Right across Adam's character's face.

In a recent scene, we had been introduced to Adam's character's producers and their very attractive female assistant. It turns out that this assistant had also gone on this trip, and Adam's character cheated on his girlfriend with her.

So, as this new love song played, Keira's face showed the realization that her boyfriend was thinking of someone else. We were extremely impressed and, after the movie concluded, this was our first topic of conversation.

Imperfect Landmarks

The first time I walked down the random side streets of urban South Korea, my group realized that we needed a landmark in order to navigate back to our starting point. The sun had already set, and one landmark seemed to be the obvious choice. Nearby, we saw a church with a glowing, bright red cross on top. We assumed that we should be able to see that light from several blocks away, and therefore easily navigate backwards at the end of our evening.

It turns out, however, that churches are everywhere. And all of them have a glowing, bright red cross on top. Therefore, after walking several blocks and turning several corners, we looked around and saw multiple instances of what we had previously thought was the perfect landmark.

We were lost.

Over time I heard this exact same anecdote from multiple people, none of whom had been in my group that evening. It turns out that these glowing, bright red crosses are the imperfect landmark of choice for new arrivals. So if you travel to South Korea for the first time, my advice is to choose another landmark.

NOT made in Taiwan

An American was working in Korea. While visiting Taiwan, he went shopping for authentic Taiwanese souvenirs to give as gifts to Korean friends. Many products in America have "made in Taiwan" labels, so this should be fairly easy, right?

At the first location he noticed a display of jewelry trinkets. These would have been perfect to buy inexpensively in large numbers. As the pile of selected items grew, he finally noticed that one of them, ironically, had a "made in Korea" label. So he began checking all of the items, in fact the entire display, and every single item had a "made in Korea" label.

So, even though America has a plethora of "made in Taiwan" products, finding any such products while actually in Taiwan proved surprisingly difficult. And importing Korean products into Korea via Taiwan seemed to violate the spirit of giving Taiwanese souvenirs as gifts. It ended up taking several days, in fact, to actually buy souvenirs purportedly made in Taiwan.

It tastes like coffee.

An American had an opportunity to do some work for a multinational group that included several Britons. At some point, one of the Britons offered him some tea, and it was probably the best cup of tea that he had ever had. Over the next few days, partly to build rapport and partly to get some more of that tea, he deliberately played up how delicious it was.

After a few days, he needed a colleague, another American, to bring over some items. To continue building rapport with the Britons, he now played up the tea to his colleague. "You have to try this," he said.

One of the Britons made a cup of tea for the second American. The second American, after tasting the tea, said what was seemingly the worst possible comment that maybe anyone can make about British tea. He said, "it tastes like coffee."

The Britons were extremely upset about this. Fortunately, though, the first American observed the nearby cup of coffee that his colleague had been drinking, mentioned it, and said, "you have to cleanse your palette."

The Britons, seemingly excited that actual coffee could be blamed for the offense, began shouting in unison, "cleanse your palette! Cleanse your palette!"

The second American then drank some water, followed by the British tea, and then offered a proper compliment. In short time, perhaps because of the opportunity to recover from such an incident, everyone established a very close working relationship.

"Use the time machine."

A city man is visiting a rural area and is short on cash. He asks one of the locals for directions to the nearest ATM, and the man tells him to use the "time machine" around the corner.

Surprised by the response, the visitor explains that he's not looking for some high-tech science fiction device, and then tries to explain what an ATM is.

Again, the local suggests that he use the "time machine" around the corner.

After several cycles of trying to better explain what he is looking for and each time receiving the same response, the visitor gives up out of frustration. With no better alternative, he follows the man's directions and proceeds around the corner. There he sees the TYME machine, the ATM he was asking for.

I love your blue eyes.

A man had been enjoying a few adult beverages at a holiday party. A woman caught his eye, and he began to flirt. After a few moments, he complimented her blue eyes.

Unfortunately, for this man, this well-endowed woman had brown eyes. She was wearing a blue sweater.

I didn't throw anything at your car, sir.

A carload of teenagers was riding through town on its way from their high school to their respective homes. Unbeknownst to the driver and front passenger, the right rear passenger was throwing M&Ms out of his window and deliberately towards the trailing vehicle.

Shortly after the car stopped at a traffic light, behind several other cars, a fairly large man suddenly appeared at the right rear window. Because the window was open enough to allow M&M's to be thrown out, it was also open enough for this man to reach both arms into the vehicle and grab the right rear passenger.

There was nothing anyone could do. The man was yelling about the right rear passenger throwing M&M's at his car. The right rear passenger was lying and saying, "I didn't throw anything at your car, sir." The other rear passengers were frozen in fear. And the driver was stuck behind other vehicles and with oncoming traffic in the other lane.

The only passenger who potentially had options was the front passenger, who was examining door lock and window options. Unfortunately, the man was very observant and watching the front passenger while gripping the right rear passenger.

Within moments, fortunately, the light turned green, the blocking vehicles moved forward, and the driver seized the opportunity to accelerate. The man had no choice but to disengage. And, fortunately, he either could not pursue or he chose not to. Either way, the right rear passenger continued to receive a verbal beating for the remainder of the journey, especially from the driver.

Talking dirty... and loudly...

For a short time, two men shared living accommodations. At night, both men typically spent their time talking telephonically with their respective wives.

One night, while one of the men was talking to his wife, he overheard his roommate and burst out laughing. Of course his wife wanted to know why, and so he began to explain.

Because of the size of the room, both men tended to talk quietly. Apparently, the one man's wife wanted him to talk dirty to her. And, apparently, she couldn't hear him well. And, so, out of frustration, the man said what she wanted to hear loud enough for her to hear it clearly. And, out of frustration, the man unfortunately forgot that he had a roommate... until he heard the laughter, anyway.

Now one man was explaining to his wife why he was laughing so hard, and the other was explaining to his wife why she could hear laughing in the background.

The Grandmaster's Queen

Have you ever played against a chess grandmaster?

There are events in which multiple players are lined up with their boards and the champion walks around and plays against all of them simultaneously. He moves to one board, makes his move, and then moves on to the next board.

There is a feeling of exhilaration when you seize the opportunity to take his queen. For a short time you think, "maybe I can actually win."

A few moves later you realize it was a trap.

A few minutes later you realize that the only pride available goes to whoever survives the longest against him.

Impromptu Taco Making Class

An American is newly arrived to South Korea.  He goes with a few friends to a restaurant in Seoul, and the restaurant has a taco bar where you can choose hard tacos and/or soft tacos, add whatever you want, and add however much you want.

Simply because he hasn't eaten tacos for a long time, he takes care to create several masterpieces. He not only adds almost everything available, but he adds them in a deliberate sequence.

A nearby Korean couple notices the silent enthusiasm with which this meal is being prepared. Despite knowing limited English, the husband asks the American to teach step-by-step taco assembly to his wife.

A few minutes later, the culinary cultural exchange was complete. The American was happy to share, the Koreans were happy to learn, and the tacos turned out to be absolutely delicious.

Simon says, "speak Korean."

An English teacher in Korea enforces a strict English-only policy in his classrooms. He is so strict, in fact, that one day, while playing Simon Says, he tries out, "Simon says, 'speak Korean.'" The students were so confused over whether or not they were actually authorized to speak Korean, that not one of them spoke a word. Ironically, on "Simon says, 'speak Korean,." an entire class of Korean students was "out."

No, no, no, we're cousins.

A man shops at the same convenience store several times per week. He notices that the same woman usually works mornings, the same man usually works afternoons, and sometimes they have lunch together in the early afternoon when they change shifts. They both seem to be equally in charge, as if co-owners. And the woman seems to end her shift at a good time to go home before children return home from school.

One afternoon, while everyone was present, the male employee told the customer that the woman thought he was handsome. This felt awkward, especially under the assumption that the two employees were a married couple. So, in an attempt to diffuse this awkwardness, he asked, "how long have you two been married?"

Both employees began to scream, "no, no, no, we're cousins."

So much for making the situation less awkward.

Everybody and their mother is on Skype.

A man is frustrated with his weak Skype connection, and so he complains to the other party, "everybody and their mother is on Skype."

He then realized the irony of saying that, via Skype, to his own mother.

Need extra motivation to lose fat? Take upside-down selfies.

A fitness enthusiast gained a few too many extra pounds, and started going to a nearby gym a few extra times per week. He now goes before work, after work, and also on Saturdays. At the end of his workouts, he likes to use the gym's inversion table.

An inversion table, for those who don't know, is a board that you back up against and then you lock your ankles into two cuffs at the bottom. The board then rotates, allowing you to lie at a modest decline, extreme decline, or even completely upside-down. The ankle cuffs hold you in place, allowing you to simply hang there and counter the normal effects of gravity on your body.

One day, while in the upside-down position, he decided to take a selfie. Keep in mind that everything on the body that is normally down was now up, and everything that is normally up was now down. When he took the upside-down photo and turned it upside-down, so that it looked like it was taken standing up, the face and body gained the appearance of what he might look like if he continued with an unhealthy lifestyle.

If you've never done this before, and if you would like extra motivation to lose fat, give this a try.

Are you two married?

A married man goes on a job interview at a small company. He speaks first with the female Director of Operations and then with the male President. They have different last names. Towards the end of the interview, the Director enters the conference room to speak with the President.

Upon observing their conversation, which was completely professional, and despite the risk involved, the candidate could not help but ask, "are you two married?"

The President and the Director were stunned, but after a brief moment they confessed.

Teamwork

A class of eight students were preparing for one final practical exercise before graduation. The top students were still vying for honors, so they had something to lose or gain by taking chances.

For this final test, everyone would pair up in teams of two. Given the choice to form their own teams, something historically not afforded to them, one would normally expect them to proceed according to friendships or previously successful pairings.

However, most of the class was not confident that everyone would graduate if they followed either traditional paradigm. Putting the group before self, the two strongest students agreed to each pair up with one of the two weakest students. The test would not allow one student per pairing to dominate every task, so the strong students would have to demonstrate leadership and coach their teammates.

The end result was that the two strongest students still graduated with honors and the two weakest students still graduated.

Young Gender Roles

Playtime with two young boys and a young girl, all about four or five years old, and an adult supervisor. The basic game that develops is that the adult pretends to chase the children around, and the children laugh as they run away. They also enjoy running up to the adult, as if to challenge him to chase them.

But the game evolves into where the girl allows herself to get trapped in a corner, and when the adult gets close she cries to the boys for help. The boys immediately run to the rescue, and try to pull the adult away. The adult allows himself to be pulled away so that the girl can escape.

The cycle repeats, and the adult is left wondering how these children developed such clearly-defined gender roles at such a young age.

Man?

An American in South Korea always ate a certain kind of green pepper and they were never spicy. Koreans would warn him not to, but they were never spicy.

One day, at lunch, he was warned yet again. This time, he pointed to himself and said the Korean word for "man."

This time, the pepper was very, very spicy....

All I need is the air that I breathe.

An airplane was waiting to take off at a nondescript airport somewhere in the United States. As they always do, the crew powered down most of the amenities in the cabin. As the passengers waited and waited, the temperature steadily rose and the air grew stuffy. As it became more and more uncomfortable to breathe, at least one passenger took note of this ironic song playing softly through the speakers.

You look great! Have you been working out?

A soldier left his weapon unguarded. This is indeed very serious. A higher ranking soldier found the weapon, and turned it over to that soldier's supervisor. To earn the weapon back, the supervisor exercised the soldier until he vomited twice. Normally, vomiting once is the standard for overexertion. Vomiting twice demonstrates the seriousness of the incident, without resorting to forms of punishment that can effect short-term income and long-term career progress.

Another soldier, a friend of the forgetful soldier, was out on a mission during all of this. Upon returning from his mission, he was informed about both the incident and its consequences. The next time he saw his friend, he went up to him and said, "you look great! Have you been working out?"

Needless to say, the forgetful soldier was unamused.

Shhh! This is a library...

Two male friends were volunteering at a library, when a third male friend walked in to check out books, DVDs, or whatever he was looking for. That part is not important to this story. At checkout time, one of the volunteers jokingly requested a ridiculous list of prerequisites, including a blood sample, a urine sample, fingerprints, and so forth. The one thing that he did not ask for, however, is the one thing that the patron offered in response.

Imagine a typically quiet library. The conversation thus far had been at an appropriate volume for inside a library. Now imagine, in this patron's excitement, that he shouted, "I can give you a semen sample!"

The two volunteers immediately started laughing, and laughing hard at that. The patron was somewhat surprised, because although he intended to be funny, his exclamation wasn't THAT funny. But, what he couldn't see behind him were three other patrons sitting quietly in the library, and the one female who looked directly at him right after he spoke.

After the female's reaction was brought to his attention, and without looking backward, this red-faced individual very quietly exited the library.